The Global Pecking Order

I've come to the realization that every culture has its own version of an international ranking of countries, much like in elementary school when we made lists of everyone in our class in descending order of coolness.

The criteria for placement in this hierarchy vary wildly from country to country. In some it is historical achievements that determine greatness; in others it is size, military prowess, or toleration of large volumes of alcohol. Any measurable characteristic is fair game, and even unmeasurable ones like the "world's tastiest dog" (I'm looking at you, China).

Predictably, each country skews the rules a little bit (or a lot) to magnify its own achievements and strengths, even if, as in the case of Uzbekistan, your primary distinction is being one of only two doubly-landlocked countries in the world (meaning you have to cross at least two countries to get to the ocean). These terribly biased rules are then, of course, universalized and applied to all other nations, resulting in a convenient pyramid of national greatness with Uzbekistan vying with Lichtenstein for global supremacy at the top.

So what does this ranking look like? Let's look at a few examples.

In the U.S., among the educated portions of the population who know that other countries exist, the ranking looks like this:

1. United States of America
2. United States possessions and unincorporated territories
3. United States allies
4. Europe
5. Everyone else except....
6. Axis of Evil members in good standing

In Brazil the ranking looks like this:

1. U.S./Europe
2. Brazil
3. Everyone else except...
4. Spanish-speaking countries except...
5. Argentina

And finally, in Colombia it looks like this:

1. U.S./Europe
2. Brazil
3. Colombia
4. Everyone else except...
5. Other Spanish-speaking countries in Latin America except...
6. Peru

And on down the line. Can you see the pattern here? Every country has its idols (or, in the case of the U.S., itself), its own unique status in the middle, everyone else, and of course their evil, subhuman, pathetic archenemy, which rounds out the last spot.

Now I'm not sure exactly what this ranking determines. The best way I can describe it is as a rating of how all-around "good" a country is. Let me illustrate this using overseas job transfers from the aforementioned countries.

If you're in the U.S., practically any overseas assignment is seen as a punishment, or at best an assignment aimed at opening up the country for U.S. investment and expansion, thus of course transforming the target country in our image.

In Brazil, going overseas is generally a good thing, due to a deeply-rooted low self-esteem held over from the colonial period, except of course if it is to another Latin American country. In this case it is about equivalent to going into the depths of the most remote jungle, full of savage cannibals and devoid of any trace of civilization. And this is coming from a country that actually has a huge, bad ass jungle.

In Colombia, they have a healthy respect for Brazil above their other neighbors, due mostly to its soccer talent and beautiful women. Argentina and Mexico also get honorable mentions, but when it comes down to it it is taken as self-evident that Colombia is the greatest of all the former Spanish colonies. Peru is singled out for special belittlement due to its supposedly backward inhabitants and bland, lifeless culture.

Now the evidence I've been given for Colombia's inherent greatness is varied. I've been told that according to the International Spanish Association or whatever it's called the Colombian dialect is the most "proper," apparently containing the fewest number of pronunciation "quirks" among the many national dialects. I've been told that international polls have shown Colombians to be the happiest people in Latin America. I've been told that according to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration they have the purest cocaine anywhere.

But if we really want to advance as a civilization, if we really want to see the walls that divide us from each other melt under the warmth of universal compassion, if we really want to see lasting world peace borne out of mutual love and understanding for the unique and incomparable qualities of each and every culture on Earth, there is only one solution: choose a completely random activity and all agree that national greatness will be based on it.

My suggestion? Chocolate chip cookie-making. I mean, seriously. Worst case scenario we have billions and billions of amazing cookies, am I right? Who knows how good of a cookie we could create if the collective effort of all the nations of the Earth were directed toward this noble goal. Now that is change you can believe in.