Tourists

I hate them. They are the bane of my existence, seemingly pursuing me to the most remote and unwelcome places, torturing me with their mindless, inane comments, their very presence grating on my soul.

Why do I hate tourists? Why are they so evil? What is the word limit on this post?

First of all, because they serve no useful purpose. They don't contribute anything, they don't help anyone, they offer no constructive input. Not only that, but in the vast majority of cases they actually help to cheapen and destroy everything they come into contact with.

They are like parasites, sucking the vitality out of any authentic place they find, inspiring a cycle of standardization and commoditization that replaces organic creativity with factory-produced crap.

The locals who actually gave the place its uniqueness are pushed out by rising property values and costs of living as the yuppies move in and buy vacation houses, which they occupy a couple weekends a year. Visa and Mastercard pop up in every window as Coke and Pepsi appear on every ashtray, beach umbrella, and store sign.

Cultural events eventually begin to revolve around national holidays and other traditions evolve (or stop evolving) to fit the stereotypes of snap-happy gringos eager to fill another photo album with the same exact pictures everyone else takes. The local economy is bent to the will (or to the wallet, I should say) of the transient overlords, leaving behind productive and creative pursuits for the sake of parading the herds before whatever façade they want to exist.

But most of all I hate their attitude. They say they "know" a country after driving across it by bus, which is like saying you made love to a woman after bumping into her on the subway during rush hour. If they spent more than 3 weeks or a month in a country (a country!) then they really consider themselves experts, judging the relative merits of Barcelona vs. Madrid or the Peruvian Andes vs. the Chilean Andes.

These people love to say things like "OMG there's nothing to do in Bolivia, you shouldn't even go there!" or "I saw Recife, Salvador, and Rio - I've pretty much seen everything in Brazil" or "I've been in Argentina two whole weeks. I'm so tired of this country." They say these things to hide their profound ignorance about every aspect of these countries and their cultures, and also to cover up the fact that they can't wait to get home because they're terrified of everything they experience.

You know what I really want to say to these people?... Shut up. Yeah you. You've experienced nothing, you know nothing, you are nothing. Ok just kidding on that last one. But no really you suck.

I have such a strong belief that each and every country contains literally a lifetime worth of experiences and knowledge and discovery. Going from tourist trap to tourist trap in air-conditioned buses (or worse, the air-conditioned bus of the mind, also known as "complacency") is like eating just the decorative foliage on each platter of a huge feast and then declaring that you've experienced the best of each dish.

You know, I've decided that I'm never going to be a tourist again. Yeah, you heard me. As of now I foreswear any and all tourist activities. As soon as I finish this mojito and this beautiful woman finishes massaging me as I watch the sun set over the hotel pool, from that very moment on I will never be a tourist again...